If my crypto wallets did a Spotify Wrapped 2025:

“You discovered 47 new chains. None of them survived December.”

“Your top genre was ‘Memecoin’. You aped 9,842 tickers.”

“You bought the dip exactly 0 times. You did, however, buy the top 183 times.”

“You tried a new genre, Internet Capital Markets, where the $LAUNCHCOIN dev pivoted 5 times to fund his girlfriend’s lifestyle.”

“Your most played narrative, getting dumped on by teams and VCs. You now get offers to be an e-girl in Dubai.”

“With 5 minutes played, you are top 0.01% in Web3 gaming. You paid $100K per minute to play.”

“You rotated into Ordinals because Udi said Runes were the future. Your Wizards said Abra Kadabra and your Bitcoin is gone.”

“You claimed 12 airdrops. Eleven were worth less than the gas. The 12th was $HYPE and you sold at $2.68 to buy CHILLHOUSEWIFHAT.”

“You held TRUMP through the inauguration pump. Then MELANIA launched and you learned what crime feels like.”

“Top artist, Vitalik Buterin. You listened to 15 ETH L2s and they are all dead except Base.”

“You were liquidated 42 times. Your liquidation heatmap looks like a Christmas tree.”

“Your longest streak without rage-selling was 11 minutes. We are told that is a new personal record.”

“You sent 68 memos that just said wen moon.”

“You bought 19 tokens on PumpFun. 18 rugged before the bonding curve finished. 19th is now the official currency of a D-list actor paying off gambling debt.”

“Top wallet activity, bridging to chains that will die after unlocks.”

“You aped 9 AI agent tokens. They all autonomously traded your money straight into the dev’s wallet.”

“Top NFT collection, Azuki. You paid ETH to sit front row for terrible execution.”

“You followed CZ’s exact copy-trading contract. You bought the wrong Broccoli Dog and got cooked.”

“Alon was supposed to show up to the Memecoins Anonymous meeting with an airdrop, but he is like that dad who went out for milk.”

“2026 preview, you will farm PerpDex number 24 and L1 number 69 and pretend to enjoy it before pivoting to private Bitcoin.”

See you next year. Stay solvent. (Narrator: he will not.)