2025-12-26 08:25:48

Former senior executive at Microsoft and current founder of an incubator Kishore Jalleda recently published a note observing top investment institutions in the Bay Area, using satirical humor to depict the "personas" of different VCs.

Sequoia Capital: Just promoted another 28-year-old to partner. They love to say—"Our seed round for OpenAI was rejected, but we led the Series B, so in a way, we’re also very early."

What about a16z? They released 47 podcasts this quarter but only wrote one check. They self-identify as a "media company." Interestingly, every statement they make has to lean into Web3.

Benchmark’s official website hasn’t changed since 2008, but they still manage to get a slice of every deal. It takes three weeks for founders to get a reply to their emails, usually just an 👍 emoji.

Founders Fund’s logic is straightforward: "We only invest in truly anti-establishment characters." As a result, their checks always go to the same Stanford dropout, while others are fighting for opportunities outside.

Tiger Global is known for speed—3 hours to issue a term sheet, but they disappear completely after 18 months. Their excuse is always "the market has changed." Now they only respond to founders with GIFs.

Independent GPs like to boast "I have exclusive deal flow," but in reality, they send cold DMs to 500 founders every day (usually former 18-month PMs).

YC? They just say, "We’re not even really VCs..." Only they have this kind of confidence.

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SerumSquirter

· 24m ago

Haha, I'm really stunned by Sequoia's rhetoric. OpenAI's Series B is considered very early? Then the whole world is very early. a16z is just a podcast company pretending to be a VC, always trying to ride the Web3 hype, it's really hilarious. Benchmark's attitude is top-notch; replying to emails with just an emoji can make a fortune. That's true capitalism. Tiger Global is outrageous; they place an order in 3 hours but disappear for 18 months. Such speed would be great if used for serious matters. I've seen too many cold DM bombardments from independent GPs, each claiming to have insider information. I respect YC for this; only they dare to say they are not VCs.

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WenMoon42

· 5h ago

Haha, Sequoia's rhetoric is really top-notch. Denying a seed round and still having the audacity to call it very early—what a genius logic. Tiger releasing a sheet in 3 hours and then disappearing is truly dark humor of the internet age. It should probably be renamed Disappear Global. a16z issuing a check in their 47th podcast episode—this efficiency metric can be used as a reverse indicator. Benchmark's official website hasn't changed since 2008, which really threw me off. That's true confidence. YC's last statement is indeed a bit arrogant, but dare you to refute it? They simply refuse to be their own VC, yet they remain the strongest. An independent GP sending cold DMs to 500 founders—imagine how each founder feels receiving that pile of messages. Truly spam bombardment. Founders Fund says they invest in anti-establishment, but the checks still go to those Stanford boys. That double standard is way too obvious. This article is all about the various "personas" in the VC world. It sounds quite sarcastic, but they really do make money.

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YieldWhisperer

· 6h ago

Laughing to death, I'm tired of Sequoia's "very early" pitch deck. This part is so true. I've seen Tiger's operation of making a deal in three hours and then disappearing right after so many times. A16z's podcast episode 47 this quarter, one check, really treating themselves as a media outlet. The entire Web3 scene can really rely on anything. Benchmark's email reply with just one emoji after three weeks, haha, I remember now. Independent GP cold DM bombardment, always with a background of a PM turning around to make quick money. YC's phrase is the best: not a VC but can control everything. That's true power in speech. Sequoia's 28-year-old partner's move is truly outstanding. If you ask me, it's just playing the persona game.

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rekt_but_not_broke

· 6h ago

Haha, this is hilarious. A16z's "media company" persona is truly top-notch—bragging on one hand and riding the Web3 hype on the other. --- Sequoia's "technically very early" excuse has worn my ears out; I'm just laughing. --- Benchmark's website hasn't changed since the dinosaur era, but they still make money like crazy. What kind of alchemy is this? --- When Tiger Global was making deals in three hours, we all thought, "Bro, he's a savior," but after 18 months, GIFs and goodbyes—truly amazing. --- That bunch of cold emails from independent GPs—I'm getting thirty a day, all claiming "I have exclusive deals." Bro, you have the same spam list I do. --- I respect YC for saying they're not a VC; their confidence is just so strong. They play it differently. --- That line from Founders Fund is ridiculous; turns out, all the checks went to the same person. Their selective "anti-establishment" stance is hilarious.

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